I Write

17 Apr

I write because I cannot feel, my heart doesn’t know what’s real.

I write because I cannot speak, and when I do I feel defeat.

I write because life’s not fair, society does not seem to care.

I write because there’s no one here, to listen to my hopes and fears.

When the spoken word is gone, the written word still breaths on.

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Seeking Seclusion

25 Mar

The idea was petrifying at first. A big adjustment was more than I could process. The unknown is always more frightening than reality.

Beach life is a dream in the winter time, but as the tourists begin to trickle in, I realize how my peaceful, empty beach will soon be a congested nightmare.

My secluded piece of paradise is quickly slipping away. As this beautiful beach becomes cluttered by all the leftovers of the day’s visitors, I feel angry. They come to use and abuse her. I wish I could make it stop. Somebody must protect her.

The local businesses thrive on this weeks influx of piranhas coming to feast. They lose me in the process as I’ve grown accustomed to empty parking lots and wait free experiences.

I’m not one to soak up the sun anyway. I prefer a bit cooler weather while absorbing the landscape and salt air.

I never thought it would leave me wanting more. My heart now searches for a more peaceful place. A place that allows me to reflect on my world without interruption. A place that is more secluded.

I’m not sure such a place exist that is within my grasps, but I refuse to stop searching.

Feeling Nothing

19 Mar

Cassy had the perfect marriage or at least what seemed perfect compared to her past experiences. She never felt so loved. He truly cared about her and that made her feel safe and allowed her to let her guard down and start trusting again.

Trust did not come easy, it actually took years for Cassy to not have doubt or question his complete honesty. Although it finally happened, it was a short lived high that soon went spiraling  downward.

She finds herself wondering how a few short years can bring about such intense change in her life. It took almost six years to bring her to a state of contentment in her marriage that was completely destroyed less than one year later.

Cassy wanted a relationship where they felt comfortable sharing their feelings. Open communication was so important to her and she believed it was the reason they rarely argued.
Nothing could have prepared her for what she heard that day.

She was sure he was just telling her how he felt and he did not intend to destroy her with his few words, but he did. Coupled with being exhausted from weeks of long days and sleepless nights it was more than she could take.

The open communication was forever destroyed as she was left speechless from his words that cut so deep.

Her broken heart has turned cold in an attempt to stop the pain. She feels nothing for years. She does not even realize it at first, but now that she realizes what happened, she wants nothing more than to feel again.

She searches daily within herself to find a way back to the perfect love she once had. Unfortunately, it’s a path she can’t seem to navigate. So many road blocks that seem too hard to pass.

They say times heals everything, but to her, it seems like time is standing still. Now, several years later, she can’t think about that day without tears rolling down her face.

Maybe it’s her. Maybe she never completely healed before they met. Her past was a difficult set of circumstances.

She feels like she lives with a stranger. He knows, and wants nothing more than to be anything but a stranger. She does not know how to see him as anything else.

Have I Turned Into An Overprotective Mom?

7 Feb

It would seem reasonable to think you can never be to careful with your new baby, but is it possible to slip into a state of being extremely overprotective without even realizing?

With baby number three I thought the last thing I would be is overprotective. I have already raised two children to adulthood so I could just relax with this one.

Something happened during the pregnancy that changed everything. I began to reflect on my other two children and started making mental notes as to what I might do differently this time. Soon my feelings of taking it easy this time turned into my opportunity to make up for past mistakes.

Being an older mom I began to adopt the attitude that I would make every effort to be the best mom this time. This attitude mixed with the realization that baby number three would be my last made my need to protect this baby more intense.

All of the sudden I found myself not trusting anyone with my baby. I did not even trust my parents who were very involved in helping me with my first two children. My poor husband was walking on eggshells worried he might do something wrong concerning the baby.

Maybe this does not sound too ridiculous for the mother with a newborn baby, but I am still acting this way with my 10 month old.

Unfortunately, I am not sure how to stop being this way. Sure I know I need to relax, but that is just not happening. Although I want to let my husband be more involved, this is his first baby and it takes new dads a while to figure things out.

So maybe I have gone a bit overboard, but she is a happy, healthy, little girl so I don’t feel bad about it one bit! I will relax when she gets older and becomes more independent. Well…. At least I plan to relax.

I Refuse To Use The Cry It Out (CIO) Method

28 Jan

My daughter is 10 months old and for a couple of months bedtime worked perfectly. I fed her, bathed her, put her pajamas on, nursed her then laid her in her crib where she went to sleep without crying.

I am not sure what happened, but after coming home from visiting family over the holidays she would no longer go to bed as before. Maybe it had something to do with spending the last four nights in the room with mom and dad, but every time I laid her down she began to cry. Not just a little fuss that went away after a minute, but and all out scream.

After putting her to bed I tried to wait a few minutes to see if she would stop, but instead things got progressively worse. Her nose would start running and the nasal drainage caused her to start coughing. When I went in to check on her, I gazed on such a pitiful sight of tears rolling down her red face and a running nose. I offered her some water and realized she was very thirsty from all the crying.

The brainstorming began as I thought about my baby and wondered why she was crying. She did not cry at nap time nor did she cry when she woke up in the morning. There must be a reason that she only cries at bedtime.

Sure I could lay her down like so many suggest and let her cry herself to sleep, but that would not answer my question as to why she was crying. I feel like it is my job as a mother to not stop asking questions until I find the answers.

I began to try other things like an earlier bedtime, a later bedtime and leaving the light on until she fell asleep. Leaving the light on has helped the most and works most of the time, but not every time.

As an adult I’ve had many times I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes I am unable to relax from an exciting or stressful day. I remember many nights when my husband was working out of town and I was alone in a big old house. Even with two guard dogs, all the doors locked and the alarm on I still could not relax. Many a night I fell asleep with the T.V. on as it distracted me from my fears. It was always a relief to have my husband home. Him lying beside me made for a peaceful, good nights sleep.

Then I think about those times I have been upset and cried myself to sleep. Although many of us have done this nobody will say it was a pleasant experience.

Since my little one can’t tell me what is wrong all I can do is put myself I her shoes and wonder how she feels. What if she is scared? If she is scared, what am I doing by ignoring her cry for help or making her cry herself to sleep? How does that effect her trust in me? How does that effect her psychologically?

I am so tired of doctors encouraging moms to let their baby cry. I just read a story about a mother whose poor child cries until she throws up and her pediatrician says not to worry about it that she is throwing up to get attention! Really?? I know young mothers ask for advice, but we must encourage them to ignore bad information even if it is from a doctor. Thank goodness this mother realized the doctor does not have all the answers and asked for advice from other mothers.

My doctor told me to let my daughter old cry it out when she was only three weeks old. I ignored him and then figured out she was getting cold.

Maybe she is crying sometimes because she wants me to hold her, but is that really so bad? She is still a baby and won’t stay that way too long.